Hundreds, if not thousands of times, women and men have asked me for the Secret to Performing Amazing Oral Sex. I have also heard from hundreds of women and men who have told me that their partner doesn’t know how to perform oral sex or is “bad” at oral sex. In all of these cases, the myth seems to have unfortunately stifled the truth.

Here’s the fact of the matter: people enjoy being touched and licked in such diverse, interesting ways that there is no one “right” way to do much of anything sexually, including oral sex. Someone who you think is “bad” at oral sex may hit all the right spots on another person who has different preferences or different sensitive spots on their genitals. The person you think is “bad” at oral sex may just need to learn what you like and what sends you over the edge during oral sex. Their being able to do so requires three things: (1) You being able to tell your partner what you enjoy, (2) Their being open-minded to hearing it and (3) Their physical ability to do it.

If you’d like to spruce up your partner’s oral sex skills to be more in line with what you like, try a soft approach. Consider reinforcing what he does do well (“I love when you find the spot that works for me and then keep stimulating it, without giving up”) and subtly introduce your idea for improvement without making him feel bad for not having thought of it himself (“I wonder what it would feel like if you fingered me at the same time?”).

If you’d like to improve your skills as an oral sex giver, ask for a “lesson”. Let your partner know that you love being sexual with him and enjoy learning new ways to improve your sex life together. As such, you’d like to take time out for an “oral sex lesson”.

Here’s how it works: let him know that your hope is to find out several new things that he likes, so you want to take the time to try different spots of stimulation, rhythms, short licks, long licks, soft tongue flicks, different degrees of wetness and more. Who could refuse that?

The goal is not immediate orgasm. Rather, it’s exploration. If at any time he’s had enough exploration and wants to proceed toward the finish line, you two can decide how you want to do that (whether through oral sex or some other route, such as vaginal sex). In the mean time, though, he can sit back, relax and enjoy teaching you what he already knows he likes and learning, together with you, new spots or styles of oral sex play. Make sure to ask for a turn at being the teacher some time too.

Debby Herbenick, PhD, MPH is a sex researcher and educator at Indiana University, the sex columnist for Velocity Weekly and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.